Wednesday, June 30, 2010

It's time...

Time for me to share a little bit
about what has been going on with my life.
It's time for me to make some changes that have been a really long time coming.
It's time for me to live the life that has been calling out to me for over a year.
One morning in May, I woke up and said it's time.
I called off my engagement.
I made a promise to myself to start really living my life.
On my own terms.
Regardless of how scary it feels to do that.
(And believe me, it's scary)
Regardless of who might look at me and say
"She's making a big mistake" or
"She's running out of time."
(Yes mom, that includes you.)
It was simply time.
Now, before I begin sharing, I would ask that if you are reading this, you understand that these are words that I am simply putting out into the universe. I am a writer by heart, and this is where I find peace. Writing it all down makes it all real for me somehow. I would ask that you lay down judgement and instead pick up compassion. We are all here on earth to learn lessons - to love, to grow, to make mistakes, to start again...and again. Having the courage to do any of those things is a tremendous task - doing any of those things with grace is even more difficult.
This hasn't been my year in so many ways. As I type those words, I smile at what an understatement that is and at the same time begin to tear up because I have really been through so much in the last twelve months. And in the last 31 years. I have been unlucky in love. I have had so many false starts. I have been engaged twice, married once, and find myself totally on my own - so late in the game. Life is funny.
I have been in four long term relationships in the last 13 years- the first person I ever really loved who showed me exactly what heartache felt like, the person showed me how to heal it, the person who broke my heart even worse than it was broken the first time, and Tim...
Tim found me when I was really a broken soul. I had spent a year of my life proving to myself that I could go it alone. I even made a list of the three things in the world I needed help with: setting up a Christmas tree, changing a tire, and moving. Everything else I could do alone. I still remember the night I made that list. And the emotion behind it. Not needing anyone for most things felt like a success. I wanted a big safety net in those days. I wanted love to pinky swear that it wouldn't hurt me again. I wanted someone to heal my broken heart. Tim did all of that. He was just what I needed at the time. He was a true gift in my life. Not sure who or what I would have become had I not met him that warm September evening.
Now, who is to say what happens to love when it fades away. It's not like you go to bed in love and wake up without an ounce of emotion. Time, and the way we as people change over time creates a chasm that sometimes nothing can bridge. I spent almost a year hoping that things would get better. I remember reading the book "Eat Pray Love" - and the scene that I remember most was the author talking about laying on her bathroom floor crying, and asking WHAT TO DO...WHAT TO DO...and the answer she heard was "Go back to bed." My journey was similar. Rather than do "something," I felt like I just needed to do "nothing." I was worried I was making a mistake. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid to turn 32 and be single. I was afraid to follow my heart.
If you know me, there is one thing I ALWAYS do and have always done...and that is follow my heart. Even when following my heart leads me somewhere totally unconventional. After all, I am the girl who got married in Las Vegas in a drive through ceremony. My heart says do it...and I do it (and pay the piper later, of course.)
Helen Keller once wrote that "life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing." I really believe that is true.
The last year has been the first time in my life I have ever stayed behind when my heart was urging me onward. The first time I have ignored the signs and the signals. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that not following your heart stifles your spirit. So many things in my life have been out of whack as a result, I cannot even begin to quantify it. The lesson I have learned is simple.
If your heart speaks, listen to it. And follow where it leads. No matter what.
Which brings me to where I am now. I am turning 32 in about 2 days. Two years ago on my birthday, I got engaged. It felt like the happy ending I had always wanted. Two years later, that beautiful diamond that I loved so much sits in a box - the symbol of a life that simply did not become. When we bought this house, three years ago this winter, I stood in the guest room, looking out at my little street all decorated for Christmas. I pictured myself in that room rocking a baby to sleep. Selling this house will be the death of a lot of dreams. It is sad. I don't know what else to call it.
What my life looks like from here is not anything set in stone. That's a first for me. And yet, I am strangely okay with it all. If you subscribe to my mom's philosophy, I have approximately three child bearing years left. (then, I guess I spontaneously combust...we shall see.) And while I always saw myself being someone's mother, I am going to live if it doesn't happen for me. Unwilling to settle for anything but the real thing from here on out, I have to be realistic that I may be alone for a very long time. Maybe always. Who knows what lies around the corner.
Right now, I am in love with the idea of living my life, and counting my blessings, in whatever form they may come to me. Wonderful friends, traveling to beautiful places, getting to know myself really and truly, and maybe even being at peace with the nebulousness of it all.
Yes, It's time for all of that.
To each and every one of you who has kept me in their thoughts, been with me along my journey, said a prayer, sent out a wish, lent a shoulder, dried a tear, or just been a friend, I say a very heartfelt thank you.
You are certainly sunshine in my world.
Much love to all.


Julia said...

Kristen. It's me, Julia. I was scrolling down my favorite blogs on the side and have been skipping over yours.....but I wouldn't dare delete it. Tonight I clicked it and there you are.

Thanks for updating with your well written post. I hope it feels better to get it all in words.

Your mother is just being a mother...I've even caught myself asking Jordan (who just got married) when she's going to get pregnant. I can't believe it comes out of my mouth. It's just what moms do.

But I know your mother just wants what every mother wants. For her child to be safe and healthy and happy.

You are going to be okay. I'm excited for you and your new freedom and this new chapter.

Hug, Julia

Jen Kershner said...

I've thought about you Kristen and wondered how you were. I suspected this sort of change was in your future. I could just feel it coming for awhile. It sounds like you are in a good place right now. I'm glad. Nobody else can make us happy if we aren't happy to begin with. Keep being true to yourself.

Melissa said...


I had just decided to go back into my archives and read blogs that I used to visit. I had always loved visiting your blog.

I just read your last post, and my heart bursts with such pride for your truthfullness to yourself and for your courage.

You are an amazing young woman, and you have a bright future ahead of you, and it will be with the one that you know in your heart and soul to be right.

Many Blessings!