Where I am...

To say I haven't written in a while is kind of an understatement. Not even really sure if anyone will be by to read this. Not really sure of much anymore. I haven't really written for a few reasons - one of which is that I am really going through a very difficult time right now. Lots of change. Lots of uncertainty. Lots of days when I am not really sure why my life feels like it is unraveling. Trying to keep a stiff upper lip, but it is getting increasingly difficult. When I have the strength to write and the courage to share all, I will be back. For now, please pray for me and for the very tough journey I am on. Much love to you all.

Kristin

If you can't say anything nice, sit next to my mom

Mothers and Daughters - out of all of the relationships I have had in my life, my relationship with my mother has been the most valuable, the most all-encompassing, and also the most complicated. What I love best about my mother is also the thing that bothers me the most sometimes - she is brutally honest. As in, if you are looking for someone to fluff your feathers, don't call my mother. As an adult, when I go shopping for clothes, I can still hear her commentary. Like today, when I tried on a bright pink dress, I heard her voice, as clear as day, say "Oh my god, you look like a beach ball." Which would be funnier if she hadn't actually said it once, when I was trying on something back in the day.

I called my mom today and we laughed about the beachball dress, and I think she felt bad that
I remember her saying negative things. The truth is, she isn't perfect. I don't think I'd want her to be. Or else, I would be walking down the street in a bright pink dress and people would be secretly thinking..."that poor girl, she looks just like a beachball."

Oh this movie...

Did you see the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? I should have known I would love it because it is written by F.Scott Fitzgerald. I've never read anything of his that hasn't stuck to me for life. My favorite scene of the movie (and also the scene that made me tear up) was the scene pictured below, where the characters are realizing that their love is in its absolute prime. Knowing it will not be this way forever, they look in the mirror at themselves, to truly remember the moment. I was reading my sister's blog earlier and she posted a picture of her and her husband back in their dating days. She wrote that she wasn't sure how they got where they are from the happy moment in the photo. Ahhh, life. It is so beautiful sometimes and so hard sometimes. In every relationship I have had, I can look back and remember that happy time. The dizzy headed, butterfly, fireworks moment. Even in friendships that have been lost, you can look back and remember those moments. Nothing can change the ebb and flow of life. I guess the message is to enjoy the prime. If its good, know that its good. And hope it lasts as long as possible.

A quote from the movie that sort of spoke to me:

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "

Oh, and if you haven't seen this movie, you simply must.

The Happy Place

Okay, so my posts have been a little deep lately. So I'll just warn you that this one will be too. I promise I will try to write more about sunny things like cupcakes and antique store finds, but right now, I'm in a deep place and my posts are coming from that place. I hope you'll read along with me and in the process maybe feel a tap at your heart - like this applies to you too. A few weeks ago, when my friend Nick was out, we were sitting outside at dusk, eating dinner and I looked at him and said "this is going to be one of my happy places." I then told him that I (like all of us, I'm sure) have these captive memories of moments in my life that are my happy places. I can go there in my mind and be there, relive the moment, enjoy the happiness. Most of them aren't big earth shattering milestones like birthdays or graduations. They are simple moments where life is just really good. And the other thing about happy places - you normally don't have a picture to go with them. Like you are there, enjoying it, and even if there was a picture taken, it wouldn't really accurately encompass what the moment truly was about.

Nick and I spent a while sharing out happy places - for him, it was an evening on his parent's porch, right after he came home from being away in New York at college. There were candles lit, great music playing, and all of the people he loved were there. A happy place.

Tonight, Tim and I went to Laguna Beach for dinner. We ate at the most amazing restaurant, and as we ate, I brought up the happy place thing. I told him that this - our dinner tonight - was a happy place. And so many other moments with him - our times in Solvang, especially at our favorite wine bar, the smell of the aged wine in casks heavy in the air. I can close my eyes and be there. A cloudy morning in Mystic, CT, the day of Tim's Aunt's wedding, shopping for a trinket to give Tim's mom and having clam strips in a little New England fish house. And a fall night with my friend Jonathan, at his friend Yvette's in Laguna Beach. Sitting there in a courtyard on a black iron work patio set, just the two of us. With the splashing water of the water fountains and the smell of hundreds of white roses. French music spilling out into the night and a real conversation. No words spared. Such a beautiful moment of friendship. It was nice to sit with Tim and talk about my happy places and to learn about his. Some of which I'd never even heard about. I got to live them with him as he talked about them. As we talked, the waiter came by and said "Wow, I haven't wanted to interrupt you guys"..."You seem so in love." What came to me is that we are nothing more than a sum of moments, and that passionate moments are what we are here to have. The waiter even saw the passion spilling from both of us as we shared our favorite moments of life.

Next time you are with someone you love, ask them to tell you about their happy place. And think about yours. Close your eyes and go there for a minute. I hope it fills your heart as it did mine tonight.

Where I am right now...

"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear...It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to."

That is so where I am right now.

Linus when his blanket is in the dryer.

I have nothing to hold on to.

I've been in such a funk lately for quite a number of reasons. Part of that is the transition I am going through at work. Exciting changes, but changes just the same. Changes that mean leaving the people that I love seeing every day. Changes that mean difficult decisions, difficult situations, the uphill battle that I've already fought once - off to fight it again, it seems. Only in a new place. An important place. With all eyes on me.

I've been selected to run one of the flagship locations for my company for a few months during my colleague's maternity leave. Four months or so away from my store seems like such a long time not to laugh my heart out with Jonathan, hear Debbie's stories, get Gloria's advice. Part of leaving means that I have to hand my store over to Jonathan. And step away.

STEP. AWAY.

And know that I have given him the tools he will need to make it a success. Know that it is his chance to do something great. To accept that he could even do it better. Sigh...

And to step back and let him stumble a little here and there because that is how you learn. It just is. I'm so proud of him. I want him to do so well. It's hard to leave my baby though. The store, not Jonathan. Although that is hard too.

I think of all of the times I have been in this situation. Where gaining something new means letting go of something well loved. Where the time comes to walk away from what is comfortable in pursuit of something challenging. It is the right thing, but it is a sucky thing. Yes, I said sucky.

I was talking to my friend Gloria - my sounding board - about the whole thing. She was saying that when she was a child, they moved a lot. And each place they lived taught her something great. Great friendships. Great experiences. She said she wouldn't have traded one move because that would have meant missing out on something that made her who she was. But with each move, there was a loss. And that is where I am.

Love...

Come into the pomegranite orchard in springtime

where there are songs, dancing and good wine.

If you come, these do not matter,

If you don't come, these do not matter

--Rumi

My Nick

My friend Nick.

To say he means the world to me is sort of underestimating exactly how much he means to me. Even though I haven't known him my whole life, or even more than a few months, you would never know it by looking at us. He gets me. I get him. He calls me his Poodle. I call him my Nick. We laugh more together in an hour than I have laughed in years. He is a ray of sunshine. I always say that when he is around, everyone else is in black and white and he is in color. It couldn't be more true.And, as life would have it. He lives in San Francisco.

Way. Too. Far. Away.

Luckily for me, he was in town this past week and so I got to spend a few days showing him around Orange County. Long talks. Tons of Sangria. Martinis. We had more than our fair share of fun.

My least favorite part of seeing him is that each visit we have together is always punctuated by a goodbye. I cried last time when our time together was over. I cried when I dropped him off at the airport. I've been melancholy - missing him for the last few days. Such a sap. My favorite friend. I miss you and can't wait to see you again soon!!